Taking The Chance
This is a very difficult post to write. It is hard for me to admit to myself some of the thoughts and rationalizations that have been going on through my mind for the last few days. Much less write about it for anyone to read on the internet. But as always this blog is an important outlet for me and so I hope that writing will help me to clarify things to myself as well as to whomever might read my words.
I cried in shul on Rosh Hashanah. The prayers were so beautiful and I felt so awed by Hashem and His power. And so scared and guilty. Because I am faced with an opportunity to do something that I believe is a sin and I know deep down that I am going to do it. I hardly feel like I have a choice about it. The thought of not kissing this man at the next opportunity is hardly crossing my mind. Yet also even when I feel the most scared and the most guilty I feel very deep down how much Hashem loves me and that everything from Him is a gift. Even this opportunity to sin is a gift. Hashem knows how starved I am and he has put a plate of non-kosher food in front of me. He is giving me an opportunity to nourish myself and I feel deep down that He is saying “do not worry about what is in the food. Just eat and take care of yourself.” I am about to disobey Him but I feel that He is a loving father.
I am worried that some people will read the last paragraph and mistake my thoughts for something else. Something that I am definitely not thinking is “God will understand.” Not the way people usually use that rationalization anyway. Usually when people (including me) say “God will understand” they just mean “There is something I want right now and I will not let my own guilt stand in the way of taking what I want.” They say “I do not feel like waiting another hour before I eat milk, even though I am still fleishik, God will understand,” or “I am really tired and do not feel like walking to shule right now, God will understand.” Sometimes I think that God must look at us and be thinking “Yes I understand that you are a bunch of lazy bums!”
Anyway I guess in a way I am saying “God will understand” but this is after many many days of deep reflection and crying and of course all the months of doing this blog and all the time before that that I was suffering from deep depression. I know that everyone who sins feels at the time that they are in a special situation somehow and that when they do this wrong thing, for them it is not wrong. Thinking that does not make it right of course. But since this is my blog I can only explain how I feel about it. I think that if I do not take the opportunity to kiss with my new boyfriend (do people use the word boyfriend when they are 35 years old???) then I will be like the proverbial person in the flood who refuses to get in a boat because “God will save him” and then refuses to get into a plane because “God will save him,” and when he drowns and goes to Heaven, he says “God, why didn’t you save me?” and God says “I sent you a boat and a plane and you didn’t take them!” For so long I have been saying that I would not be Shomer Negiah anymore if only a good man came along who I liked and was attracted to and who liked me and was attracted to me. I have cried to Hashem because I am so so lonely and physically starved. I have written here that I would give up food if only a nice, religious, intelligent man would put his arms around me and tell me he loves me. I do not think this boyfriend loves me (yet), but he does like me a lot. If I give up my opportunity when it comes then it means . . . well I do not know what it would mean because I simply cannot imagine letting this opportunity go by.
I know it is possible that this relationship will not end in marriage. You have read about my dating history. I know very well that things can suddenly change quickly. If I kiss him and then we break up I am sure I will feel very bad. But the idea of breaking up and not having kissed him, letting the chance go by, makes me feel even worse, because considering what the dating scene is like these days it may be many years before I find another man who I “click” with. It might never happen at all.
If in another 40 or 50 years I am on my deathbed and I am still single and still a virgin, I would rather have memories of kissing a boyfriend when I was 35 even if we later broke up, then to have no memories of kissing anyone at all and know that I could have done it once but I let the chance go by and now I will never know what it feels like.
I know I should wait a little bit before going ahead, maybe date him a little longer. The ironic part of this is that I do not want to wait because I am not sure enough about our relationship that I really believe we will definitely stay together long enough. I might not have the luxury of taking my time to make a decision. Men have a tendency to end relationships for little or no reason. I hope this one is different but who really knows. This is not an ideal situation. Once again I do not have good choices. I can kiss him now and maybe we will break up or I can wait and then maybe we will break up. There are no guarantees. But to me the lesser of two evils is, if we are going to break up, I want to know at least what it is like to kiss. I am tired of feeling pathetic about myself. The curiosity and emotional and physical brutalness of being Shomer Negiah are killing me from the inside. I wish I knew for sure that this was the right man. But in reality all I can say is that he is a good man at the right time. I will take what I can get. Yes that sounds desperate but you have read my blog, I have every reason to be desperate!
I know that some of you are thinking “do not waste your precious first kiss on someone when you are not sure how strongly he feels about you, after all the time you have waited. Do not let your efforts go to waste!”
I think in particular the commenter named ClooJew will be thinking this. I have appreciated his comments very much. He has articulated many things that I have been thinking myself and many things I believe or at least used to believe for myself. Ironically he himself (I think ClooJew is male but my apologies if that is wrong) gave me the way to articulate why I think that argument is wrong. He wrote “(the position of many commenters here), is that unhappiness is a good reason to abandon one's faith and system of observance. That position belittles all the effort and pain that NJG has gone through all these years. I'm here to support and admire NJG for her faith, her past, her toil, and her standing tall in the face of adversity.”
That comment meant so much to me that it brought tears to my eyes. To have a frum person recognize that I have worked so hard to uphold my values means a lot. And it means a lot to have someone acknowledge that I have done something hard, something so difficult that not so many other people manage to do it. I forget that myself often. It is easy for me to feel pathetic, like I am some kind of loser because I have never been kissed, and ClooJew reminded me that I am not a loser. I am a Jew. It is something to be proud of. And up until now I have managed to work very hard at being a Jew.
But the past that ClooJew admires is the past. I am not the same person I was even two or three years ago. I have been so depressed, so very very sad. My faith might be as strong as it was but my strength is not and my ability to toil at it is not. This is the part that I feel deep down Hashem “understands.” I feel like a little child in Hashem’s arms. I know that He understands my innermost heart and loves me and will continue to love me even though I am weak. I am not a teenager in rebellion, trying to “get away” with something. I am a little girl who has been through too much, and Hashem is rocking me and saying “it’s all right, it’s all right.”
If I give up an opportunity to be held and kissed and reminded that I am a woman, only so that I do not “waste” my efforts of the past, then I will be hurting my present for the sake of honoring my past. I cannot do that and stay whole anymore. I am different now and my needs are different. Each day we make choices based on who we are at that time.
And also, no matter what I do now my past will never be “wasted.” Most single people no matter how observant they are in Judaism do not make it to 35 while still being Shomer Negiah for all intents and purposes. The past that ClooJew is admiring will always be my past and will always be admirable from the point of view of halachik Judaism, no matter what I do in the future. Keeping halacha is never a waste.
But this is a halacha that I just do not have it in me to keep anymore. I simply cannot do it. I love halachic Judaism so very very much but this is one area where my strength is failing me and it is simply impossible for me to go on this way.
I wrote in the comments something I want to repeat here: “I think there are maybe people who read this blog and want me to represent the halachik lifestyle. They want me to wait until I get married before kissing because they want to believe that it can be done, by someone. They would like to believe that someone in the world is holy enough to keep this halacha even for years and years because knowing that would inspire them to try a little harder with their own halachik tests.
I cannot promise to be a poster child for Shomer Negiah. I do not think I am strong enough. I am sorry. Very sorry. I just do not have it in me anymore. For so long I have been valiant but now I think it is time for someone else to be the poster child because I am not strong enough right now.”
This is not the best reason to engage in my first kiss, I know that. I am disappointing many readers but more importantly I am disappointing myself a little bit. I really did want to wait until I was married or at least until I was more sure of the relationship. But this is the chance I have, and I will take it. This is a very special man who is very good to me. I am scared but also very excited. This must be the way a person feels when they go parachuting for the first time and they are about to jump out of the plane! I am not 100 percent sure that the parachute will open but I will enjoy the view while I have the chance.
I cried in shul on Rosh Hashanah. The prayers were so beautiful and I felt so awed by Hashem and His power. And so scared and guilty. Because I am faced with an opportunity to do something that I believe is a sin and I know deep down that I am going to do it. I hardly feel like I have a choice about it. The thought of not kissing this man at the next opportunity is hardly crossing my mind. Yet also even when I feel the most scared and the most guilty I feel very deep down how much Hashem loves me and that everything from Him is a gift. Even this opportunity to sin is a gift. Hashem knows how starved I am and he has put a plate of non-kosher food in front of me. He is giving me an opportunity to nourish myself and I feel deep down that He is saying “do not worry about what is in the food. Just eat and take care of yourself.” I am about to disobey Him but I feel that He is a loving father.
I am worried that some people will read the last paragraph and mistake my thoughts for something else. Something that I am definitely not thinking is “God will understand.” Not the way people usually use that rationalization anyway. Usually when people (including me) say “God will understand” they just mean “There is something I want right now and I will not let my own guilt stand in the way of taking what I want.” They say “I do not feel like waiting another hour before I eat milk, even though I am still fleishik, God will understand,” or “I am really tired and do not feel like walking to shule right now, God will understand.” Sometimes I think that God must look at us and be thinking “Yes I understand that you are a bunch of lazy bums!”
Anyway I guess in a way I am saying “God will understand” but this is after many many days of deep reflection and crying and of course all the months of doing this blog and all the time before that that I was suffering from deep depression. I know that everyone who sins feels at the time that they are in a special situation somehow and that when they do this wrong thing, for them it is not wrong. Thinking that does not make it right of course. But since this is my blog I can only explain how I feel about it. I think that if I do not take the opportunity to kiss with my new boyfriend (do people use the word boyfriend when they are 35 years old???) then I will be like the proverbial person in the flood who refuses to get in a boat because “God will save him” and then refuses to get into a plane because “God will save him,” and when he drowns and goes to Heaven, he says “God, why didn’t you save me?” and God says “I sent you a boat and a plane and you didn’t take them!” For so long I have been saying that I would not be Shomer Negiah anymore if only a good man came along who I liked and was attracted to and who liked me and was attracted to me. I have cried to Hashem because I am so so lonely and physically starved. I have written here that I would give up food if only a nice, religious, intelligent man would put his arms around me and tell me he loves me. I do not think this boyfriend loves me (yet), but he does like me a lot. If I give up my opportunity when it comes then it means . . . well I do not know what it would mean because I simply cannot imagine letting this opportunity go by.
I know it is possible that this relationship will not end in marriage. You have read about my dating history. I know very well that things can suddenly change quickly. If I kiss him and then we break up I am sure I will feel very bad. But the idea of breaking up and not having kissed him, letting the chance go by, makes me feel even worse, because considering what the dating scene is like these days it may be many years before I find another man who I “click” with. It might never happen at all.
If in another 40 or 50 years I am on my deathbed and I am still single and still a virgin, I would rather have memories of kissing a boyfriend when I was 35 even if we later broke up, then to have no memories of kissing anyone at all and know that I could have done it once but I let the chance go by and now I will never know what it feels like.
I know I should wait a little bit before going ahead, maybe date him a little longer. The ironic part of this is that I do not want to wait because I am not sure enough about our relationship that I really believe we will definitely stay together long enough. I might not have the luxury of taking my time to make a decision. Men have a tendency to end relationships for little or no reason. I hope this one is different but who really knows. This is not an ideal situation. Once again I do not have good choices. I can kiss him now and maybe we will break up or I can wait and then maybe we will break up. There are no guarantees. But to me the lesser of two evils is, if we are going to break up, I want to know at least what it is like to kiss. I am tired of feeling pathetic about myself. The curiosity and emotional and physical brutalness of being Shomer Negiah are killing me from the inside. I wish I knew for sure that this was the right man. But in reality all I can say is that he is a good man at the right time. I will take what I can get. Yes that sounds desperate but you have read my blog, I have every reason to be desperate!
I know that some of you are thinking “do not waste your precious first kiss on someone when you are not sure how strongly he feels about you, after all the time you have waited. Do not let your efforts go to waste!”
I think in particular the commenter named ClooJew will be thinking this. I have appreciated his comments very much. He has articulated many things that I have been thinking myself and many things I believe or at least used to believe for myself. Ironically he himself (I think ClooJew is male but my apologies if that is wrong) gave me the way to articulate why I think that argument is wrong. He wrote “(the position of many commenters here), is that unhappiness is a good reason to abandon one's faith and system of observance. That position belittles all the effort and pain that NJG has gone through all these years. I'm here to support and admire NJG for her faith, her past, her toil, and her standing tall in the face of adversity.”
That comment meant so much to me that it brought tears to my eyes. To have a frum person recognize that I have worked so hard to uphold my values means a lot. And it means a lot to have someone acknowledge that I have done something hard, something so difficult that not so many other people manage to do it. I forget that myself often. It is easy for me to feel pathetic, like I am some kind of loser because I have never been kissed, and ClooJew reminded me that I am not a loser. I am a Jew. It is something to be proud of. And up until now I have managed to work very hard at being a Jew.
But the past that ClooJew admires is the past. I am not the same person I was even two or three years ago. I have been so depressed, so very very sad. My faith might be as strong as it was but my strength is not and my ability to toil at it is not. This is the part that I feel deep down Hashem “understands.” I feel like a little child in Hashem’s arms. I know that He understands my innermost heart and loves me and will continue to love me even though I am weak. I am not a teenager in rebellion, trying to “get away” with something. I am a little girl who has been through too much, and Hashem is rocking me and saying “it’s all right, it’s all right.”
If I give up an opportunity to be held and kissed and reminded that I am a woman, only so that I do not “waste” my efforts of the past, then I will be hurting my present for the sake of honoring my past. I cannot do that and stay whole anymore. I am different now and my needs are different. Each day we make choices based on who we are at that time.
And also, no matter what I do now my past will never be “wasted.” Most single people no matter how observant they are in Judaism do not make it to 35 while still being Shomer Negiah for all intents and purposes. The past that ClooJew is admiring will always be my past and will always be admirable from the point of view of halachik Judaism, no matter what I do in the future. Keeping halacha is never a waste.
But this is a halacha that I just do not have it in me to keep anymore. I simply cannot do it. I love halachic Judaism so very very much but this is one area where my strength is failing me and it is simply impossible for me to go on this way.
I wrote in the comments something I want to repeat here: “I think there are maybe people who read this blog and want me to represent the halachik lifestyle. They want me to wait until I get married before kissing because they want to believe that it can be done, by someone. They would like to believe that someone in the world is holy enough to keep this halacha even for years and years because knowing that would inspire them to try a little harder with their own halachik tests.
I cannot promise to be a poster child for Shomer Negiah. I do not think I am strong enough. I am sorry. Very sorry. I just do not have it in me anymore. For so long I have been valiant but now I think it is time for someone else to be the poster child because I am not strong enough right now.”
This is not the best reason to engage in my first kiss, I know that. I am disappointing many readers but more importantly I am disappointing myself a little bit. I really did want to wait until I was married or at least until I was more sure of the relationship. But this is the chance I have, and I will take it. This is a very special man who is very good to me. I am scared but also very excited. This must be the way a person feels when they go parachuting for the first time and they are about to jump out of the plane! I am not 100 percent sure that the parachute will open but I will enjoy the view while I have the chance.
posted by Shomer Negiah at 10/09/2005 03:49:00 AM
43 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NJG,
I have been following your blog for a long time, amazed by your character and by your beautiful writing. After an almost 4 month long silence, I stopped checking, and now just planned to enter and wish you a good year with all your dreams come true and your prayers answered. I am surprised and happy to see that there is a new hope - and wish you all the best ! You really deserve to find true love, and build a happy family. Good luck - and have a Very Very good year with good news, and be happy, healthy and loved !
Thinking about you and praying for you !
NJG,
There is probably not much one can say that will affect your honest assessment of where you stand right now in your life.
Having lived through a similar Nisayon (which I did not do too well at, IMHO), I would just like to alert you to one fact that almost did me in (religiously, that is):
Do not underestimate the power of the Yetzer Hara. It is not for naught that Chazal (Our Rabbis of blessed memory) said that "the greater the person, the greater his/her Yetzer Hara (evil inclination)." The Y"H is a master chess player, constantly devising counter-moves for all of your mind's thoughts and desires.
I tell you this, mainly because you should never be too sure where one "slip" will lead. And I say this knowing that you will likely do what you have already decided to do (it sure sounds that way). But, if you can at least remember that the Y"H would love to get you sliding on a slippery slope, you might be slightly better prepared to put the brakes on when you're ready to do so.
Good luck. I hope you can get over the "first kiss" business quickly (one way or the other), because it certainly will help to return your focus to whether this guy is marriage-material for you. That focus will certainly be of infinitely more value to you in the long run....not whether he (or any guy, for that matter) is worthwhile to give you a first, passionate kiss.
Then again, maybe that's exactly what the Y"H would like right now....to knock your focus off what is REALLY important....
Like I said, good luck. I can really relate....and I just love that you so obviously have developed a very special relationship with Hashem. So few Jews, unfortunately, do. But having that special relationship is certainly a tremendous side-benefit to this agonizing chapter of your life.
Gmar Chasima Tova,
Daniel
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us again. The future does not cancel out the past and I doubt you will quickly forget your years of shomer negiah once you kiss someone. I was shomer negiah for a long time so I know. The one thing you should know is that you might have a physical reaction to finally being so close to someone. After I my first kiss I felt very nauseous. And I truly had a good first kiss. However, this reaction did not last long.And no I dont feel this way now when I kiss my boyfriend. And I truly enjoy the closeness. I just think that being shomer negiah had affected me so deeply , that I had that reaction. In my head I had felt that kissing a man before marriage was okay , but my body took awhile to catch up .Do what u feel is right.Being shomer negiah is a valid route, but if you feel that it is not ok for you now only you can make that decision. Its a true nisayon that no one understands unless he or she has gone through it.
Wow. What a journey. Thank you for sharing it with us. It seems clear that you know what you want and need to do: Just relax, enjoy and let what happens happen.
As I read the first paragraph, I thought about the story of the flood and the lifeboats, so I'm glad you mentioned it. That you're asking these questions at all of yourself and of G-d is, I think, a positive if painful thing.
I often cry during the RH/YK services, usually during U'netaneh Tokef and Avinu Malkeinu. It's a combination between the words themselves and the tune and the overall import of the prayers that really gets to me. It's a very introspective kind of time in Judaism, and if you're looking inward and crying about how difficult it is to be a Jew in the modern world, and promising to do better in the coming year, then I think you're doing it right.
In the new year, it sounds like your status is going to change from "Never Been Kissed" to something else. But that doesn't mean that you're not an NJG anymore. Your process of questioning and challenging yourself will undoubtedly outlast any change in your physical/sexual exploration. Remember that.
enjoy NJC and i hope and pray hashem will protect you from going any further. good luck with him! g-d bless and hopefully you'll be able to come back and tell us all you are engaged!
HNC
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NJG,
I have followed your blog from the start, and this is the first time I wanted to comment.
Obviously your situation is unique, and while people would like to use you as the "frum barometer" (like you said), ultimately the decision is yours.
I have noticed a trend between the male posters and the female posters, in general (not everyone, in general!) the men want you to stand strong and the women are more sympathetic. As a woman myself, I understand your pain, and I think a man could not possibly feel it the same way. Intimacy is something women crave more than men, which is why we like to "cuddle", etc.
Obviously you have a hold on reality and realize this guy may not be "the ONE" or that the KISS may not be all you dreamed of.
I think its amazing that you are still SN, and if you do choose to end that stage, I dont think anyone can judge you.
I hope to hear good news from you soon, and I wish you a Gmar Chasima Tova, and may all your prayers this year be fullfilled.
LIghten up on yourself...God surely does not want you to live your entire life without physical contact. Avoiding any risk is in & of itself a mistake because finding balance & taking risks is part of being an adult, even a religious one. Ask yourself if God considers religious masochism a mitzvah? Take a deep breath & enjoy life...don't overthink it.
Dear NJG,
I am 29 years old and I am a BT. Before I became religious, I never dated or anything. After I became religous (in college), my dating life did not pick up much either. When I was 23, I had my first kiss. I have not kissed anyone since. I'm not sure what meaning you can take form this, but I just wanted to share (the short version) of my story. Gmar chatima tova! I'm thinking of you.
Hi,
First, you're a wonderful writer.
Second, I second the person who said you might have a physical reaction within a couple of hours of the first kiss, whenever that is. I was completely shomer until I was 26 and felt I couldn't take it anymore, and the first kiss was very nice but I had a physical reaction the next morning from the guilt (the guilt for better or worse goes away). You obviously have extremely strong and conflicting feelings about this, maybe stronger then I did, so don't be surprised it that happens.
Third, once you have this 'under your belt' you will want more, as someone else wrote here. Similarly, like many frum people you may have a psychological feeling that once you've broken something, it doesn't matter if you break all. However, it appears to me you've actually separated kissing from other things in your head.
Lastly, best of luck and may you feel Hashem looking over you. Whatever you decide - well, I guess you really all ready decided - and whatever happens, I hope its magical.
Don't have much to add to what people wrote above, but just wanted to say Mazel Tov on finding someone who seems to genuinely care about you, and I hope he's a great kisser too. ;)
Obviously this must be a gut-wrenching moment for you (your posts are very moving), and I am amazed at how clearly and well-thought-out your attitudes are... but I hope that when your first kiss/relationship/etc... happens you'll just be able to put your thoughts aside for awhile and enjoy the moment. For better or for worse, I hope everything works out for you.
Shana tova and good luck! Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
Persephone-
I have written back to you (responding to your comment, which I am now deleting) from my shomernegiah @ yahoo account. Please write to me soon.
"If in another 40 or 50 years I am on my deathbed and I am still single and still a virgin, I would rather have memories of kissing a boyfriend when I was 35 even if we later broke up, then to have no memories of kissing anyone at all and know that I could have done it once but I let the chance go by and now I will never know what it feels like."
Living with regrets can be even more painful than the pain of having to make the decision you're faced with in the present. The decisions you've made up until now have shaped you to be the thoughtful, considerate and loyal woman that you are. Your past doesn't have to dictate your future, unless you want it to. We always have the power of choice, NJG. From what you've written, I see how you understand your choice now -- you can choose to continue being SN, or you can choose to live without regret.
It's difficult to gauge the effect(s) of sinning. But as a witness to many frum people who have decided not to be SN, I can say two things: 1) if they ended up marrying the person, there weren't any regrets or negative after-effects. One woman shared that since her wedding day was a personal yom kippur for her and her chasson, they agreed to ask for forgiveness from Hashem for their sins, as well as to ask for a gratifying and satisfying physical relationship as a married couple. 2) If they didn't end up marrying the person, they were eventually able to see how the relationship helped them learn about themselves and relationships, so that they'd know how to better evaluate their choices with the next shidduch. Of course, learning from one's previous behaviors is enhanced in psychotherapy, where the goal is to help singles make healthy relationship decisions.
So, good luck and keep on posting. I am among the many people who care about you, and want to know how you're doing.
Dr. Janice
May Hashem continue to be good to you and may you continue to be good to yourself - this year and always. Sounds like you have worked hard and come far. Keep on doing your best. And enjoy the moments as best you can, like the moments you're in now with this man, this relationship...
This was the first time I read this blog and I found it very moving. I wish you a lot of luck and I hope your relationship with this guy works out. Just be careful and watch out for yourself.
The "slippery slope" line of reasoning is scared that one kiss will lead to something that's really assur like sex. It's true, it can, sometimes - but when someone has thought so extensively about the implications of every move, it's so unlikely that one kiss is going to go wrong. The laws of SN make me so sad - one precautionary measure after another after another, until simple physical affection is made to appear as a terrible sin. I don't want to be dismissive of your beliefs, but at the same time, I want to say - kiss him. Or at least cuddle with him. Affection is beautiful and natural, and I'm sad that you feel so much guilt about something which would not be wrong at all had halakhic sordidity not made it so.
Full-on sex is different territory, and it's very hard to draw the dividing line, SN taking the most cautious dividing line possible - but a mature and thoughtful woman kissing someone is pretty likely to be on the safe side of the line.
That said, if it doesn't work out physically, I hope your friendship will still be blessed.
a k'svia v'chasima tova. I hope god will be with you in making the right decisions, and will bring you good opportunities and choices.
There's a halacha that says if a man sees a woman and he's tempted to sin, if he truly can't stop himself, then he should put on black clothing, go far away from where he lives, and commit the sin. What I'm saying is go for it, as long as nobody sees you. But what I'm also saying is you're better off not rationalizing that this is what Hashem wants you to do. He wants you to pass the test and keep being SN, but if not, not; nobody's perfect; hopefully you'll do teshuva for it eventually. Though as Pirkei Avot says, you should do teshuva the day before you die, and since you don't know when you're going to die you should do teshuva every day.
I wanted to second Esther's thoughts that even though "your status is going to change from 'Never Been Kissed' to something else[, ....] that doesn't mean that you're not an NJG anymore."
May you have a good year, and wanted to wish you strength in your life.
May this new year bring you joy and wonder. Be well.
Striking a Match and all the others trying to not-so-subtly scare her into not following her heart and soul with talks of sin and mikve- please stop! Nice Jewish Girl is a grownup, she's informed of Halacha, and she'll do as she chooses.
And I want to second the comment that you'll always be a Nice Jewish Girl. Your relationship with Hashem is your territory alone, and nothing that any of these detractors can say will change that.
I don't think anyone who comes here can really judge you. How many people here have been in your situation. Personally, I thik shomer negiah is the way to go as a general rule. I also think there could be exceptions to that rule (waiits for lightning to strike). If ever there existed an exception, it is you.
Harassed Mommy,
Are you serious that a vibrator "damages your ability to have a fulfilling relationship with a man"? Really? I wonder how. I would venture to imagine no damage is done. Granted, I'm no female/woman, but that's my take.
Moreover, no matter how frum he is, few men look at women as just another piece of meat, so I think that's another misplaced fear (among some of your other ones).
drew, I am not speaking for harrassed mommy, but I will say this. A vibrator is more consistantly "talented" than a man can be. Its a machine. Like the energizer bunny. You get my drift.
Not many men can live up to such expectations.
NJG,
By using a vibrator and rupturing your hymen, you did yourself and your future husband a favor. I wish my wife wasn't an "anatomical virgin" when we married. Things would've been simpler and better. "Breaking" a woman's virginity is overrated and not the least bit pleasurable (I'm talking normal pleasure, not a power thing.)
OK- can we close the vibrator issue once and for all. As someone who has used one and has also enjoyed great sex with men, let me assure you that have nothing to fear from the uninformed warnings of these "ogres". Both are pleasurable experiences and can only enhance your enjoyment of the other.
I honestly dont know what to say. On the one hand, you were always like my hero and inspiration to live up to. As a matter of fact, if you ever read my blog, you know what I used to do. Yet in the last few months, on the encouragement of a very special cyber-friend, I went from hugging, kissing, caressing, etc.. to almost completely SN. So, your recent posts have made me feel like, Lhavdil Alfi Havdolos, a 6 yr old being told there is no Santa, E Bunny, or Tooth Fairy, in one fell swoop. On the other, I am really really happy for you, and hope everything works out for you from the bottom of my heart..
JUST MARRY THE GUY
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You have to take a chance on love if you really want to find the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. It's true that the quest for this right person is tough, but meeting the right person in the end is worth all the wrong ones along the way. This boyfriend who you think still doesn't love you, I say wait it out. He might be just as apprehensive as you are in this relationship.
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im from asia and after reading your post i can say at least one thing that you seems a very nice girl and a top grade human .
Just chanced upon this blog So what happened? How are you? Good luck! Shabbat shalom.
I understand YOur moral dilemma. But I will never agree that anything you are dealing with is sinful. Love is as complicated as gods message. You are pure of heart. This is what is important. Your intentions are pure.
Your desires are driven by goodness. By love not by lust.
Do not be so hard on yourself. It is not indulgence it is exploration. Man and woman were meant to meet and learn from one another. I can not believe that god would request the burden that is seemed to be layer upon us.
A kiss is as soft and sweet as a word. Which can be just as harmful. Intent creates the difference. And You obviously know and understand your intent.
The same idea is regarded about the kosher food you speak of. YOu must take care of yourself in the end. You must!
Men leave not for no reason. Just as do women. Love is as mysterious as Hashem. We don't fully understand. And we never will. THey are one and the same. The purpose of Life.
ANy way on another note. HEre is a video I stumbled on , about two young Jews in Israel. THeir attitude. Reminded me of what it is to be young And regard the world in a naive excited way. Considering things like you were when you are 16, Im 45. I just think We need to remember the feelings you are talking about. not as sin, but as excitement.
You have beautiful worries, miss.
-Jenko
http://www.indiegogo.com/FindingIsrael?a=358498
sorry this is the link i was talking about
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